Being a writer for a major city’s comedy scene, there’s really nothing better for me in the morning than sitting down with a coffee and America’s finest news source, The Onion. For those of you who aren’t aware of what The Onion is, it’s a free fake newspaper with cleverly written articles that never fail to make whoever reads it on the floor, cracking up.
The Onion has been making America laugh since 1988, eventually upgrading to it’s website (where you can also read their articles for free) and their critically acclaimed TV shows (The Onion News Network on IFC and The Onion Sports Network on Comedy Central).
Up until recently, I would only be able to read The Onion online or on my Onion News app for the iPhone or Android, or if I took a trip to Los Angeles or New York and saw one of it’s kiosks. But finally, avid comedy readers can now read the print version of The Onion at most locations where newspapers are sold (or given away) such as cafe’s, bars, comedy clubs, what have you.
In order to give you a sample of what’s in store for Philadelphia, here’s an article written for one of the most recent editions of The Onion.
Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance
CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering his whole family when he has a minute, if it isn’t too much trouble.
The disembodied voices, which Kepler has been hearing on and off for the past eight months, confirmed Tuesday that while it would certainly be great if Kepler could brutally kill his sleeping family in the dead of night soon, there was absolutely no pressure to do so “right this second or anything.”
“Look, Tom has a lot on his plate, so the last thing we want to do is seem like we’re nagging him about this,” the voices in Kepler’s psyche told reporters. “We really just want to make things as hassle-free as possible for him. If he happens to find the time in the next few weeks to murder his wife and children and chop them into little pieces, that would be fantastic, but if not, no big deal.”
“He knows this is something he has to do,” the phantom voices continued. “And he’ll get to it when he’s ready.”
While emphasizing that Kepler’s loved ones were indeed agents of the devil who deserved to die violently by his hand—preferably before the end of the month, if that’s at all feasible—the voices were quick to add that “teaching [his] wife and children a lesson” was something Kepler should feel free to take care of on his own schedule.
According to the voices, whatever method Kepler eventually chooses, be it shooting, stabbing, strangling, or even tying his family’s hands with fishing line and drowning them one by one in the town reservoir, would be “totally cool” with them, and that he shouldn’t worry too much about the little details, as they would eventually sort themselves out.
“There’s no deadline on this thing, honestly, and if he feels like it’s too much for him to take on right now then we’re okay with him holding off for a bit,” the voices told reporters, moments before calmly murmuring to Kepler that “it’s all good, just slit their throats whenever.” “After all, if we push him on it, he’s just going to wind up stressing out and killing himself, and of course we don’t want him to do that until after he’s killed Karen and the kids.”
The patient voices acknowledged Tuesday that getting Kepler all worked up now would risk scaring his family away, making his task far more troublesome because he would then have to track down his wife and kids at his inlaws’ house in Jefferson City and slaughter all of them with a shotgun there.
In the meantime, the voices said they would continue to remain “100 percent supportive” of Kepler, and that they have been very impressed by some of his recent behavior, such as snapping at his children for no reason, standing over his wife while she’s sleeping and staring at her, and going down into the basement to quietly laugh at nothing.
“Tom’s a sweetheart of a guy, he really is, and we’re going to do everything we can to be there for our buddy,” said the voices, adding that they didn’t want to add any undue pressure on him, “unlike that bitch wife of his who suffocates him and needs to be put in her place.” “If he’s feeling lonely, we’ll be around to whisper to him while he’s watching television alone at 3 a.m. or sitting in a dark room, crying. That’s what we’re here for.”
“Tom will figure things out soon enough,” the voices continued. “And just imagine how clean and pure he’s going to feel once he’s finally drained all the blood from his kids’ bodies and bathed in it before God Himself.”
At press time, the voices reported that Kepler’s wife just went into the garage to get a broom and he might want to think about grabbing that electric carving knife next to the sink and following her in there, “if he’s into it.”
A big thanks goes out to The Onion for providing the people of Philadelphia something to read on their commutes that isn’t depressing coverage of some murder or other disaster!